Tuesday, September 18, 2012

year two.


It is hard to believe it has been two years,
but I am kind of getting used to you being gone.
Although, I don't think I like it...

I am getting used to seeing the picture of me and you that I have framed in my room, smiling, and then going on about my day knowing that my few treasured snapshots and items are all I will ever have. I have gotten used to speaking to you through writing, always with a brief and wishful thought that you may actually be able to perceive my words. Occasionally I even utter things out loud with the same small wish. You continue to influence my thoughts and actions as I often step back to consider what you must have gone through, and that my hurtles, in comparison, are extremely minimal. Indirectly you have made me a better person.

Your name draws more happy memories than sad ones these days.
I suppose that is part of griefs evolution through time.

I still get choked up when I hear your name,
but your memory brings a smile to my face most of all.
I hold on to my memories of you tightly, they are small treasures.

[[ one of johni's tree paintings. an unused playground shot from my old photography project. ]]

I still have not picked up a paintbrush...
Tonight will be my first attempt to revisit an old hobby that we shared. I think I will start with a Johni Tree, just for you, or maybe just for me? Things we did together before help me feel connected to you, and i feel like its the right time to start up again. Especially on this day. I may not be able to blend acrylic backgrounds like you, but I will try my best to come up with something reminiscent of your work. Wish me luck.

I miss you so much. 
Every damn day.