Friday, December 9, 2011

saying goodbye...

I wanted to post about this earlier in the week, but I just did not have the time to devote to it, and was not quite ready to write it all out either. I have time now, and am ready.

It is strange when you start to grow into the age where you are still considered a child by many, an adult by some, and there is no longer any denying the inevitable truth that those around you are growing old. Last weekend was really hard... Saturday night was spent in the hospital room of one of my Grandfathers (my step dad Deans father Dan), and Sunday afternoon was spent in the hospital room of Pat's Grandmother (his step fathers mother). Irony is an interesting beast... the timing on all of this is truly remarkable.

Visiting Dan was nice, and I am happy that I was able to go see him with my mom, step dad, and little sister. I was really nervous driving up to Tigard because I have never gone through something like this before... I never got to say Goodbye to Johni, one day she was just gone. It is a strange concept to go visit someone with the intent of saying goodbye to them, and the realistic knowledge that you may never in fact see that person again... though of course I hope that is not the case. Dan Tabert is a great man. Though I have not known him my entire life, he has been in it since I was in middle school, and Meagan was just a baby. The remarkable thing about my stepdad Dean's family is that they never once made me and Meagan feel like outsiders, even though we were not their own children. They openly accepted us in as their own from the beginning. At the time I did not fully understand what that meant, or what it said about the character of the Taberts, with Dan as the father figure and head of the family. I appreciate it all dearly now. 

Dan is a very strong and outspoken man, and it was strange to see him in a bed thin and pale, and in all honestly it sort of frightened me at first. That is until he started speaking and it was clear to me that he was still the same person as he threatened to hit the night nurse with his cane rather then be nice, joking of course. That is Dan, he was still there, and I was happy to see that. 

When we said our goodbyes and went to leave, me and Meagan gave him extra long hugs. As he pulled us in tight and gave us each a kiss on the head I was taken aback by how much physical strength he still had left. That was a real hug, nothing weak or frail about that. Still strong. Always. 

Dear Dan, 
I hope I get to see you again, truly, but if not I want you to know how much I appreciate the way you and your family have always treated me and Meagan as your own without question. You are a good man. I love you. 

[[ the fog // dreamscape. ]]

( There was a really thick fog the day we went to see him, which sort of calmed me down. I find it soothing and beautiful, a bit eerie, but not frightening, almost like in that moment we are living in a dreamscape far from reality. I snapped a few pictures during the drive to distract me. )